Why Am I Attracted to Older Men? A Gay Guy's Guide to Liking Older Guys

So, you like older men.

Maybe quite a lot older.

Perhaps you've always found yourself noticing the silver fox at the bar rather than the guy your own age standing next to him. Maybe you're scrolling through a dating app and your age filter seems to mysteriously keep creeping upwards. Or perhaps there's one particular older guy who's got you questioning absolutely everything.

And now you're here Googling: “Why am I attracted to older men?”

First things first: you're definitely not the only one. But I can understand why it might feel that way.

I know, because I've been where you are myself.

I remember the first time I had an inkling that I liked older men. I was 19 and out drinking with friends when I noticed a group of older men standing nearby. I was fairly tipsy, and a thought suddenly flickered through my head:

“If that man offered me a drink, I'd say yes.”

I spent the rest of the night with half an eye on them, hoping one of them might catch my gaze and perhaps be interested. And I was terrified that I'd had that thought.

The man I'd noticed must have been in his mid-50s. What was it about him? His grey beard? The way he carried himself? His confidence? I didn't know. I just knew there was something about him I found attractive — and at the time, that felt scary and wrong.

When I got home, I cried in bed. I didn't really understand why.

The next morning, I told myself I'd just been drunk. I was being foolish. It didn't mean anything. Except, of course, it did.

Fast-forward to today and I've now been with a man 31 years older than me for 13 years. So it's fair to say I've had quite a long time to think about this particular question.

And here's the slightly annoying answer: There probably isn't one single reason why you like older men.

But there are quite a few possibilities.

Is it normal to be attracted to older men?

Yep.

Let's get that one out of the way.

We're attracted to all sorts of things: tall men, short men, hairy men, smooth men, muscular men, skinny men, beards, bald heads, deep voices, big noses, confidence, shyness...

So why do we suddenly decide that age is the characteristic that requires a psychological investigation?

You probably haven't stayed awake at night wondering: "Why am I attracted to men with beards? WHAT HAPPENED IN MY CHILDHOOD?!"

Yet tell someone you're 25 and fancy a 55-year-old and suddenly everyone becomes Sigmund Freud.

There can be psychological and emotional reasons behind the people we're attracted to. Of course there can. But that applies to virtually every type of attraction.

Sometimes an older man is attractive to you for the incredibly complicated psychological reason that...

...you think older men are hot.

Revolutionary stuff, I know.

Looking back, I actually think my attraction to older men kept me in the closet for longer.

When I was 16, 18 or 20, I didn't really fancy the guys around me. And because those were the men I thought I was supposed to be attracted to, I took that as evidence that perhaps I wasn't gay.

I was absolutely gay.

I just hadn't figured out who I was attracted to yet.

When you're young, you're also used to attraction happening within a remarkably narrow age range. At school, you're surrounded by people in your year and perhaps a year or two above or below. Even when you get into your early twenties, a five or ten-year age difference can feel enormous.

So discovering that the men turning your head aren't five years older but 20, 30 or even 40 years older can feel like a crazy concept. He might literally be twice your age.

That can make you question the attraction rather than simply accepting it.

But however much I tried to reason with myself, my feelings didn't particularly care what I thought was an appropriate age difference. I still fancied older men.

Eventually I realised the problem wasn't my attraction. It was my assumption about who I was supposed to find attractive.

I was much happier when I realised it was ok to find older men attractive, and it wasn't wrong to do so

Why do some younger gay men like older men?

This is where it gets more interesting.

Over the years I've spoken to lots of younger guys who are attracted to older men — as friends, through Age Gap Guys and people who've messaged us online.

There are definitely a few themes that come up again and again.

1. You simply find older men physically attractive

We sometimes dance around this one because it sounds superficial. But physical attraction matters.

Grey hair. Body hair. Wrinkles. A mature face. A beard. A different body shape. That slightly weathered look that a 22-year-old generally can't achieve however hard he tries.

Some guys love twinks. Some love bears. Some love muscle guys.

And some of us see a handsome man with grey hair and think YES PLEASE.

I've always liked older men. I was once ashamed of that, but now I'll proudly tell anyone that I love a man with some grey in his hair. And give me a well-trimmed grey beard and I can be putty!

Some people prefer blondes. Some prefer brunettes. I prefer grey.

Putting it like that can actually help other people understand it too. We don't usually ask someone to explain why they're attracted to blondes or beards or hairy chests. It's simply what they like. For me, age — and many of the physical characteristics that come with it — has always been part of that attraction.

And importantly, it wasn't a choice. In fact, for quite a long time I rather wished it wasn't what I liked.

An oldie but a goodie - so to speak - confidence is king

2. Confidence can be ridiculously attractive

Obviously not every older man is confident and not every younger man is insecure.

But generally speaking, getting older gives you more time to work out who the hell you are.

You've had relationships. You've made mistakes. You've had terrible haircuts. You've survived jobs you hated. You've probably embarrassed yourself spectacularly several times and discovered that the world didn't end.

Eventually you care a little less about what everyone else thinks.

That confidence can be incredibly attractive.

An older guy who knows what he wants, can hold a conversation and isn't spending three hours analysing whether replying to your message after 17 minutes makes him look too keen can be rather refreshing.

3. Experience is attractive too

And I don't just mean that kind of experience......Although...yes. That too.

Older people have simply had more time to experience things.

Travel. Work. Relationships. Sex. Heartbreak. Houses. Money. Friendships. Families. Loss. Success. Complete disasters.

That can make talking to someone older fascinating.

One of the things I've always enjoyed about being with an older man is that we're not identical. We didn't grow up watching the same television programmes or listening to exactly the same music.

Jeremy has experienced parts of history that, to me, are history.

Music is something we particularly enjoy talking about and sharing. Growing up in different eras, he has different tastes, memories of gigs and stories that he can share with me. On the flip side, I educate him on modern music — whether he wants me to or not!

We never approach it as a competition over whose music is better. It's something we can learn from each other and have fun with.

And it goes far beyond music. Technology, food, travel, culture, experiences — in an age-gap relationship you'll often come at things from completely different perspectives and backgrounds.

There can also be an unspoken exchange that happens. The older partner might offer experience, advice and a perspective that comes from having already lived through things the younger partner is only encountering for the first time. The younger partner can bring new ideas, experiences and a connection to a world that might otherwise have passed the older partner by.

Guiding a younger partner and keeping an older partner young and in touch can become a lovely part of an age-gap relationship. We love it.

So rather than having nothing to talk about because of the age difference, sometimes the difference itself gives you more to talk about.

That's something I've written about before when looking at the advantages of dating an older man. The Age Gap Guys

4. You might like feeling looked after

And no, that doesn't automatically make you a gold digger. There's a difference between wanting someone to buy you a Lamborghini and finding maturity, security or stability attractive. An older partner may be further along in their career. They might have a home. They may be more emotionally settled.

For someone still figuring out their own life, that stability can feel reassuring. There's also something rather lovely about being with somebody who has already navigated some of the things you're currently worrying about. That doesn't mean they become your parent. It means your partner has experience you don't have. Equally, you'll have things to give them that they don't have.

Healthy age-gap relationships aren't a one-way transfer of wisdom from a wise old owl to a clueless young twink.

Believe me.

Technology is a big one for us.

And, being honest, earlier in our relationship it was occasionally the source of a few bickers and disagreements.

Having grown up in a world without today's technology, Jeremy simply doesn't think about it as intuitively as I do. I sometimes struggled to understand how someone so smart could find what seemed to me like a fairly straightforward concept so difficult — or be nervous about exploring the settings on his phone rather than just pressing things to see what they did. Even the instinct of “I'll Google how to do that” wasn't always there.

Over time, though, I've learnt to be more patient and to understand that we're starting from completely different places. Something that's instinctive to me isn't necessarily instinctive to someone who spent a large part of their life without it.

I've also learnt to explain things differently rather than getting frustrated when my first explanation doesn't work.

Jeremy certainly sees the value I bring in this area. At the same time, I don't want him to become totally reliant on me for technology — I don't think that would be particularly helpful for either of us in the long run. Instead, I'm there to help and guide him when he needs it.

Just as he does for me in plenty of areas where his experience far outweighs mine.

That's the bit people sometimes miss when they imagine an older/younger relationship. The older partner isn't automatically the wise one teaching the inexperienced younger one how the world works. You both bring different experience to the relationship.

5. The gay world can make age feel different

I think this deserves more discussion than it usually gets.

Gay men don't necessarily follow the same relationship timeline that society traditionally lays out for straight people. Meet someone. Marry. Children. Mortgage. Etc etc.

Our lives and relationships can be much less linear. We also socialise across generations in a way that can make friendships — and attraction — between different ages feel much more natural. A gay bar doesn't generally have a sign saying:

TWENTYSOMETHINGS THIS SIDE. OVER-50s OVER THERE PLEASE.

You meet people.

And sometimes you fancy them.

But do I have "daddy issues"?

Ah.

Here we go.

If you're a younger gay man who likes older men, someone will eventually diagnose you with daddy issues. Possibly you've already diagnosed yourself.

The stereotype is basically that attraction to older men must represent some unresolved desire for a father figure. Can that be true for some people? Of course. Human sexuality is enormously complicated and our early relationships and experiences can influence what we seek from partners. But jumping from:

"I fancy a 50-year-old" to: "I clearly have an unresolved psychological problem involving my father" is a rather enormous leap. You don't need to pathologise your attraction just because the men you fancy aren't your age.

Ask yourself a better question:

What is it that I actually find attractive about older men?

Their appearance? Confidence? Maturity? Experience? Stability? The dynamic? Sex? Conversation? Feeling protected?

Or simply a combination of lots of those things? Understanding your attraction can be interesting. Thinking you need to justify it is something else entirely.

What if the age difference turns me on?

Then the age difference itself may simply be part of your sexuality. For some people, the fact that one person is considerably older is exciting. You might like calling an older partner "Daddy". You might enjoy feeling younger in comparison to him. He may enjoy being the older man.

There's nothing inherently wrong with enjoying that dynamic between consenting adults. And it doesn't mean your entire relationship has to become some sort of 24-hour Daddy/son roleplay.

I like older men. That doesn't mean I'm juvenile or completely incapable — although, in some areas, perhaps I should admit I am!

Some older men love being a Daddy, and enjoy the respect, reverence or authority that can come with that dynamic. Some younger guys absolutely love giving it to them.

For us, Jeremy doesn't like being called “Daddy” — or “the D word”, as he calls it. For him, it emphasises his age in a way he doesn't particularly enjoy. He'd much rather our relationship feel like one between equals than have our ages define the roles we play within it.

I don't mind the D word in certain contexts, but it's not something I yearn for either.

Conversely, I personally don't like “son” as a term for the younger partner. The familial connection just doesn't do it for me. But that's me. Other people absolutely love those terms and the dynamic that comes with them.

Each to their own. If you're both enjoying it and you're not hurting anyone, go for it!

The important point is that liking older men doesn't automatically mean you're looking for a Daddy — and wanting a Daddy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you either.

Why would an older man be interested in me?

This question comes up a lot. You've finally found a gorgeous older man who likes younger guys.

Success!

Then your brain decides to ruin everything:

"But WHY does he like me?"

Well...presumably for many of the same reasons you like him. You find maturity attractive. He might find youth attractive. You enjoy his experience. He might enjoy your different perspective. You like his grey hair. He might like the fact that yours hasn't arrived yet. None of that automatically means either of you is using the other.

An age-gap relationship doesn't have to pretend the age gap doesn't exist in order to be genuine. In fact, I think that's an important distinction.

Your ages are part of who you are.

They just aren't all of who you are.

Always remember, you are more than just a number, both as a couple and individually

What if people judge me for liking older men?

This, in my experience, is often the real question hiding underneath "Why am I attracted to older men?"

You're not necessarily confused about your attraction. You know perfectly well that you fancy him. You're worried about what that says about you. Or what other people will think it says about you.

Age-gap relationships come with some wonderfully imaginative stereotypes:

• He's a dirty old man.

• You're a gold digger.

• He wants to control you.

• You've got daddy issues.

• It can't possibly last.

We've encountered plenty of them ourselves - and I've written about some of the most common age-gap misconceptions before. The Age Gap Guys . It's not fun to experience, but just remember that none of those people are actually in your relationship.

You are.

Early in our relationship, after I'd told my mum I was dating an older man, Jeremy was desperate to meet her as soon as possible.

He was very aware that I was 23 and he was 55. He worried that she'd hear those two ages and form an opinion of him before she'd ever had the chance to meet him — that she'd imagine some creepy old man, or a Captain Mainwaring figure for those old enough to remember Dad's Army.

He wanted her to meet him, rather than the stereotype she might create in her head.

And I understood that fear, because telling people I was in an age-gap relationship felt strangely like coming out all over again.

In some ways, I actually found it harder than coming out as gay.

For years, I told coworkers and some friends that I was dating a woman called Emma. I needed time to build confidence in myself and in our relationship before I reached the point where other people's opinions didn't matter so much.

I was still navigating all the stereotypes and uncertainty myself. How could I confidently explain our relationship to other people when I hadn't completely worked out how I felt about it?

Eventually, of course, Emma had to become Jeremy

Side note: Telling friends that Emma was actually Jeremy led to some believing Jeremy was trans for a while - not how I expected that to go!

The fact that Jeremy is older than my father was a bit of a shock to some people. But something interesting happened once friends and family actually saw us together.

It stopped being an age gap and started being Owen and Jeremy.

They could see that we were happy. They could see that we were natural together. And nobody who mattered had a problem with it.

Sure, some people had questions. I was happy to answer them when they were asked respectfully and came from a genuine desire to understand. If somebody had already made their mind up and was simply looking for an argument, there wasn't much point.

But I also learnt not to treat every question or concern as an attack.

Most concerns from friends and family come from a place of love, care and protectiveness. Someone who loves you might hear “I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 55” and immediately worry about power, sex, money, manipulation or what your future might look like.

You may know that none of those things describes your relationship.

They don't know that yet.

I don't think it helps to become angry and simply demand “Accept me!” when someone is trying to understand a relationship that's completely outside their experience.

Remember how long it may have taken you to navigate your own feelings about liking older men. If you're reading this article because you're still trying to understand them, you're probably experiencing some of that right now.

Your friends and family may have their own preconceptions and stereotypes to work through too. Give the people who genuinely love you a little space, patience and compassion to do that.

Then let them meet the person you fell for.

Could being attracted to older men ever be unhealthy?

Potentially — but the attraction itself isn't the red flag.

Look instead at the relationship. Does he respect you? Can you disagree with him? Do you feel able to say no? Does he treat your lack of experience as something to... exploit? Does he constantly remind you that he knows better because he's older? Does he try to control your money, friendships or decisions? Those are relationship problems.

The same goes the other way.

Are you only interested in what he can buy you? Do you treat him as an accessory rather than a person? Are you embarrassed by his age? Are you expecting him to parent you rather than be your partner? An age difference can create particular dynamics that are worth being aware of.

I've written before about the importance of recognising those rather than pretending they don't exist. The Age Gap Guys

But different doesn't automatically mean dysfunctional.

So...why DO I like older men?

Maybe it's their confidence.

Maybe it's their maturity.

Maybe it's how safe you feel around them.

Maybe it's the sex.

Maybe you love grey hair.

Maybe you want a Daddy.

Maybe you absolutely don't want a Daddy but happen to keep falling for men who could technically be one.

Maybe it's all of those.

And maybe you'll never entirely know.

That's okay too.

I've spent years in an age-gap relationship and I could give you a long list of things I love about being with an older man.

But ultimately I didn't fall in love with Jeremy because he ticked enough boxes on an OLDER MAN PROS & CONS SPREADSHEET.

I fell in love with him because he's Jeremy.

I fell in love with his kind nature. His smile. His sense of humour and how he makes me laugh even when he doesn't mean to. His intelligence, ability to listen and patience with me when I'm having a little spiral. And so many more things.

Why he fell in love with me? Well, you'll have to ask him that

So if you've arrived here worrying that liking older men means there's something wrong with you, perhaps ask yourself a different question.

Not:

"Why do I like older men?"

But:

"What do I like about this man?"

The answer to that one might actually tell you something useful.

Love,

The Age Gap Guys x

Read next

• How to Find and Meet Older Gay Men

• How to Successfully Flirt With Older Men

• 14 Benefits and Advantages of Dating an Older Man

• Should I Lose My Virginity to a Much Older Man?

• Common Misconceptions About Gay Age Gap Relationships