Should I lose my virginity to a much older man?
We’ve fielded this a huge number of times (and I had it myself!), so you’re not alone in asking this question. It’s most commonly asked by those around 18, 19, and into their mid 20s, about a man in their 40s, 50s, or 60s.
Taking a punt, you've likely found yourself attracted to older men in general, or have a specific attraction to someone you see as ‘much’ older than you. Now you're wanting to take it further, but are nervous about the age gap .
Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Let’s break it down together and address a few important areas to help you make the decision on if sleeping with an older man for the first time is right for you.
Firstly, losing your virginity is a big deal full stop. It’s a huge step forward in sexual maturity, and the way in which it hapens can potentially have an impact on how we view sex and our relationship with it from then on - particularly if it’s a negative experience.
All through your teens the notion of losing your virginity has likely been whisked up into this earth shatteringly huge moment in your life. It can make it a pretty scary idea (and nerve wracking when it happens), so having some big thoughts about it is natural!!
Sleeping with an Older Man
Add onto this a yearning to lose your virginity to someone 10, 20 or 30 years older than you, that you believe society may judge negatively you for. It can make your mind do all sorts of somersaults, and a constant flip flopping between excitement and fear is common.
On the one hand, you have the lust and excitement towards someone you believe would make the experience enjoyable, that you’re attracted to, that your heart desires. On the other hand, confusion over your feelings towards someone much older than you, concern over the judgement you fear from others, and possibly shame about it being ‘wrong’.
Believe me, I’ve been there. Pretty much everyone in an age gap relationship has!!
Is It Wrong To Sleep With Older Men?
We don't need to beat around the bush with this one. It’s absolutely not wrong to sleep with older men. In fact, the majority of people have had an attraction to or had sex with an older man at some point in their lives. Over centuries, society has created a narrative that older men are sweet, doddery and innocent when single or in a age-similar relationship. However as soon as they are dating someone younger than them, unless they’re a celebrity they magically become lecherous, creepy predators. 99.9% of the time that simply isn’t the case and they’re simply people attracted to someone that likes them back! Just as I’m sure you don’t accept the stereotype of being a gold digger taking advantage of older men, the stereotypes just don’t hold up when examined.
Age has nothing to do with someone being a good or bad person, or right or wrong to sleep with (beyond the age of legality). It’s about a fit of personality and physical attraction. Many people won’t fit, but that’s because of who they are as a package, not specifically because of their age. We simply have this narrative because of the stereotypes that magically spring up as soon as we add an age gap to the attraction equation.
If you're attracted to someone, get on with them and trust them, if you feel ready to take that step then why not go for it?
Benefits of Sleeping with an Older Man
There are various benefits to sleeping with an older guy (and here’s our guide to all the benefits of dating someone older). A particular one for losing your virginity, is their likely wealth of experience in the bedroom, and all the extras that come with that.
Knowing what you’re doing in sex is a huge benefit. I remember losing my virginity (to a woman) and all the fumbling and figuring things out doesn’t make it the most magical experience you think it’ll be. However reducing the number of people that don’t know a bum from a banana from two to one, can make a big difference in ensuring losing your virginity goes as well as possible.
Having someone guide you through what’s an exciting but nerve wracking experience is great. Being tense doesn’t make for good sex, and can result in pain strong enough you need to abandon the act all together. Getting certain things inside of other things takes time, patients and definitely isn’t like what you’ve seen in films or online. Having someone with experience and expertise to relax you and gently coach you through is a huge benefit of losing your virginity to an older man.
As you become more sexually active, you’ll also learn that sex is messier than you realise. Preparation - particularly for gay men - clean up, during...bodily fluids are definitely a thing. Additionally, all sorts of weird mishaps and awkwardness can happen during sex. Falling off the bed, can’t get into the right position, not enjoying something, cramp, and so many other things. Having someone that isn’t going to freak out, panic or judge you, and can make it a light-hearted moment is a huge plus.
We’re not going to lie and say there aren’t people that may take advantage of younger people’s innocence and inexperience in the bedroom. Just as in whatever walk of life, there’s unfortunately a minority that will seek to get what they want. This again isn’t an age specific concept, but we’ll put a little info here to help protect you - and will work on a separate piece on red flags to watch out for.
Being newer to the world of sex, your knowledge is lighter and you’re naturally more impressionable. You may have watched some - ahem - online videos, but the reality is very different in how it all works. Because of this, some may seek to take advantage of that ignorance, and coerce you into losing your virginity with them.
Some people get a kick out of taking people’s virginity and will actively seek out those new to the game. That’s not necessarily saying they’re bad people and they may be great in the sack, but it’s just a watchout for how they may see you as more of a conquest than a person.
If you’re ever feeling pressured or pushed into sex - ‘you really should have lost your virginity by now’ - , guilted ‘I thought we were having a great time?’ or shamed - ‘you won’t find anyone better than me.; run for the hills. There are plenty more people out there. The attention might be thrilling, but it’s not how to treat other people. Particularly someone new to sex.
Finally, anyone suggesting anything kinky or saying how hard they’re going to do you, are big no-nos. Your first time is about slow exploration, relaxing - particularly if you’re bottoming - as you learn how it all goes. Otherwise it can be super painful. Anything aggressive is a huge sign of someone wanting to just use you for a fantasy. It may sound sexy in your head, but it’s a recipe for disaster.
Older men can bring a lot of sexual experience to the table, and through that make your first time much better than it otherwise might be. There are a small minority of people looking to take advantage of those inexperienced out there, so trust your gut, and if something feels a bit wrong, they’re likely not the right man for you. There are plenty of others out there to choose from.
If you happen to be attracted to someone older than you, don’t judge yourself for it, or worry about what others might think. OK, OK, I realise that’s easier said than done, but in reality, liking an older man is just another shade of attraction on the colour spectrum of love (sorry, that was a bit cringy, but you know what I mean). Who you choose to lose your virginity to and sleep with is your decision. Hopefully this has helped you decide whether an older guy (specific or in general) is right for that step
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