If you've found this, you're likely feeling like you're ready for your first time with a man. There's probably a lot of thoughts and feelings going on, but fear not, we're here to help!! From ourselves and others in the LGBTQ+ community we've put together 11 tips to make your first time a positive one. N.B. Due to the heavy growth of using hookup apps for first time dalliances, some of these tips are skewed towards that method of 'first contact'.
First Time Sex Tips for Gay Men:
Check in With Yourself
Just a quick one to start; but fantasies and realities can be a little bit different. That you're doing your research and seeking advice is a great signal that you're making a considered decision. However before you jump into bed, just have a little check in with yourself to see if you feel ready for experimenting with a guy. We can often feel like we're on a timetable, and negatively compare ourselves to others - 'omg everyone is doing it and I'm not'.....'Jeez I'm 27 and not had sex with a guy yet!!', but there's really no rush or pressure to have sex. Do it when you feel you're ready and wanting to explore. If that's now, great! If that's not now, that's great too.
It's ok to turn around, to stop, and to say no
Even when you meet up with someone, you are still in charge of your own body. You are under no obligation to do anything you don't want to. You can go all the way, you can just explore a little, you can ask to stop half way through. Never be pressured into something you don't want to do. Being your first time, make sure that the person you're planning on being with is aware that it's your first time, as there'll be a lot of emotions and a bit of fumbling to begin with. There's even a chance it might all get a bit much and you need to chill out for a bit or stop. If they push back on this it's a major red flag about their suitability for your first time and we'd advise finding another fish in the sea of gays.
As a personal example, the first time I invited someone round for what would have been my first gay sexual experience, when they actually turned up I freaked out and asked them to leave. I felt bad at the time, but it was 100% the right thing to do. I wasn't as ready as I'd thought. Even 10 years later I've had instances where it's not 'clicked' in real life and we've not gone through with the deed.
If you decide you want to go for it, it's important to play safe. Prep is a wonderful medical innovation that is helping stop the spread of HIV. HOWEVER, there are LOADS of other STIs that can be contracted through sexual contact. Just as a word of warning, it isn't uncommon to see people only looking for bareback sex (sex without condoms), and putting pressure on others to engage in unprotected sex. "Oh it's fine, I'm on PREP.......I just can't do it with condoms on......sex is rubbish with a johnny.....oh we could have had an amazing time...' are common sentences on sex apps.
Our advice would be, each to their own. If they want to have bareback sex that's up to them and there's no judgment. However whilst we'll admit using condoms doesn't feel the same as without, and condoms alone don't protect from every form of STI, protection is still strongly advised. It's about minimising your risk. If they're not willing to bend on this, as wonderful as this guy may seem, in reality there are other fish in the sea to explore with and we'd recommend finding one to play safe with.
Communicate lots!! - Even Your Nerves!
There are going to be a lot of new emotions and sensations going on - including nerves! Firstly it's ok to be nervous. Studies have shown that if we acknowledge and accept our nerves rather than try to ignore them, we deal with them much better. So let yourself be nervous, it's ok. This is totally new and probably feels a bit scary, but it will be ok.
Secondly, communication is one of the biggest keys to great sex. Letting each other know what feels good, not so good, or downright bad is key to you both enjoying your time together. Being your first time a lot of the sensations you experience will be new, and the sensory overload can be a lot to handle - communication can even help stop you getting too...errr...overexcited before you want to be. Take your time to experience these emotions and explore them together as you relax into it. Trust me, there's no pain quite like someone going in when you think you're ready but you're actually not!
Communication doesn't have to mean verbally stating exactly how things are feeling. This can also be through groans of pleasure, pulling someone towards you or pushing them away slightly, a wry smile, all sorts of things. These are some of the things porn is terrible at capturing vs reality, but are a huge part of what can make sex feel connected and great with a partner.
As an extra tip, make sure you've had enough communication beforehand for some sort of connection. If you're not dating this person, ideally try to have met the person in real life to see if you'd like them to be your first, as people can be quite different in reality - both in physicality and personality - than what they present online
Go Slow...No, Slower Than That
We can very easily pre-script sex like a porn scene - kiss a bit, suck a bit, then shove it in and hammer away until we all groan with ecstasy. Just remember, there's no rush here. Take your time and enjoy. You'll also learn that when done right, foreplay activities can 100% be way better than penetrative sex.
If you do opt for penetrative sex, whether you're topping or bottoming: Take. Your. Time. Especially if you're new to bottoming, it can take a long time to relax and be ready for someone. Have fun with fingers, tongues, toys, etc. In the heat of the moment it may be that you want to rush to the main event, but it can be very painful if you try too early. As a tip, sitting on top of your man can be a great way to start, as it puts you in control of how much of him you can take and when. You can always switch positions if you want to later on.
For those that top, similarly make sure your bottom is ready for you, and make sure you don't just ram it all the way in and start jack hammering away. I'll say it again, anal sex in reality is very different to the Tiggers you get in porn. It's not all just bouncy bouncy bouncy. Communicate, work up to things, and enjoy the ride together.
See a hookup for what it is
We all remember our first. As much as we downplay it, your first time is kind of a big deal.
As you gain more sexual experience, your cherry popping will likely be remembered for the who, what, where, and when, rather than the details. However at the time the emotions attached to sexual exploration will likely give you a lot to think about, particularly as an LGBTQ+ person.
Hookup apps are increasingly popular for people exploring. They offer a fairly anonymous and fast way to engage with bi/pan/homosexual tendencies. As one Reddit user recently posted in a gay age gap subreddit:
"[...] it’s going to be my first time being with not just an older guy but a man in general [...] I downloaded grindr last week and found him today and it seems like we click."
- kkformulass, Reddit (used with permission)
Be aware that most using hookup apps are seasoned pros, and sex will be less of a big deal for them. They've done it before and are simply looking to do it again. Just try to protect yourself emotionally as it can be easy to get strong feelings for your first. These feelings may be returned, they may not, but with the majority of Grindr dates being one offs, don't feel rejected if you don't end up together. It's just how the game goes.
Remember you are doing NOTHING wrong
Sadly, some people experience feelings of self loathing, guilt, dirtiness etc after sex. Commonly known as gay shame, it often stems from unresolved acceptance of being LGBTQ+. This can be for various reasons, but is often due to how the individual, or others around them (family, friends etc) deep down view LGBTQ+ people and gay men.
This doesn't happen to everyone, but if it happens to you don't judge yourself for these feelings. Acknowledge them, try to understand why you feel this way, and see if you can work through them. Resolution likely won't happen overnight, but can be important for you for self acceptance and the acceptance of others. However always try to remember, there is NOTHING wrong with being gay, bi, pan, or whatever your sexual and gender identity is.
Sorry Stud, You're Not in a Porno
With ever increasing access to the internet, for most of us now our first experiences of sex are visual rather than physical. i.e. Porn.
It's been well proven that our exposure to pornography has impacted our views on what sex should be like. What we should look like, the noises we should make, the narrative, etc. I hate to break it to you, but whilst sex can be amazing, there's lots of moment where it's a bit more fumbly, awkward, funny, messy, and occasionally downright unenjoyable than the videos might have you thinking. So try to not take it or yourself too seriously and don't worry about every moment being 'super hot' and picture perfect. Relax, go with the flow, and let your self experience all the feelings both great and not so great.
Have a check-in Friend
If you're using a hook-up app, there are always some risks associated. Unfortunately as much as we think we do, we don't really know the person on the other end of the messages. If it's possible in your situation, let a friend know where you're going, and arrange a time when you'll have messaged them by to let them know you're safe. This doesn't mean you then have to dish all the details on what happened as that's up to you. This however can help ensure your safety when visiting a stranger's house.
Avoid Role Play and Kink
With much of our first interactions with gay sex being online through pornography and forums, we can easily get lost in fantasy land. Place that alongside the scrollable menu of available men and their varied tastes in hookup apps, and we can be tempted for our first frolic to be naughtier than it needs to be. An appointment with the doctor, a leather daddy, caught in public.... There are many fun and sexy scenarios you can play out. However it's recommended they're left for when you're more experienced and ready to explore. There are a lot of new things to navigate and get used to in gay sex.
Even if you've been having sex with other genders, it's just not quite the same. So as much as the guy you've been messaging has sold how sexy it would feel to be tied up for your first time, start out with something more vanilla. Explore the feelings and sensations, and get good at sex - there's still loads to try! Once you've got some confidence and know the ropes a little more, then maybe try being tied up in your kinky boots.
First Time Sex Tips for Bottoms
(That tops should be aware of too!!)
Sparkle / Douche / Clean Yourself Beforehand
Let's be frank here, in gay anal sex, you're putting things in your bum. So to repeat the famous phrase: sh*t happens. However it's generally polite to try to minimise the amount that it happens.
From douche squeezy bulbs to shower hose attachments there are various tools to help you get sparkly down there. As you become more experienced at bottoming, you'll find your own routine and way that works for you and your body. We've made a full guide to getting yourself sparkly clean here that is super worth reading. As a few quick tips on how to douche however:
Don't put soap up your bum. The chemicals can dry out your back passage and increase the likelihood of tears and injury.
Don't try for hours. Give it a good spruce, but sometimes you can just have an off day and may have to say 'I'm afraid it's not gonna happen today.' There's plenty of other things you can do with a partner.
Try not to douche JUST before sex. There may be some residual water that your body will naturally reabsorb after 30 mins or so.
Don't push water out too hard. This can risk injury like haemorrhoids.
Avoid eating a few hours before - or if you need to eat, maybe push back sex a little - and for many steering clear of spicy food is a must.
Avoid super deep cleansers. Your aim here is to be sparkly, but you're not going for a full colonic irrigation here. You just need to clean the lower part of your rectum. Some extra long douches are designed for more advanced bottoms seeking to prep for fisting and very large toys. You may have fantasties and designs towards this, but for now? Steer clear.
For tops, always remember that bottoms do what they can. If things go a bit wrong, it's totally not cool to shame someone for it. One more time, say it with me: 'Shit happens!!'
Use toys beforehand
If you're wanting to try anal sex as a bottom, make sure you practice first. It takes time to learn to relax your muscles down there, and learn to take something in your butt. There are plenty of starter kits online or in stores you can purchase, or just practice with your fingers and some lube.
It won't be the same as real life but it's important to get your body used to having something inside it where there usually isn't. Sex toys can be very enjoyable by themselves, and it'll also get you closer to the sensation of what sex might be like and get you a bit more ready.
There you have our top sex tips for your first gay experience. I realise there's a lot to digest there, but even if you take away just a few tips, it should help make sure your first sexual experience with a man is a positive one; whenever you're ready for it
x The Age Gap Guys x