Updated: Jan 5
On my journey to accepting and being comfortable with the fact that I find older men attractive, I’ve asked myself numerous times:
Why exactly do I like older men?
What is it that causes me to notice older men in a crowded room, and feel a ‘connection with when chatting? Why when on Grindr, have I responded to the graying man with the dad bod and ignored the guy my age with the six pack and chiseled jaw?
Here’s a bit of a personal psychological analysis on why I really think I like older men. Not just ‘they’re hot’, but why I might think that. I’ve shared this in hope that it might help others understand their motivations and attractions to older men (and possibly women) a little more. Maybe you can relate to it a little, maybe not. Everyone is different, but this is just my story.
THE MENTAL SIDE
Intellectualism and Learning
I’ve always loved learning. I was taught from a young age to ask questions to help understand different perspectives and improve my intelligence. Older men typically having more life experiences and knowledge (at least in certain areas of their life) I believe I subconsciously view them as an opportunity to learn and broaden my horizons.
I’ve always had the ability to talk to and connect with people older than me - my mum called me an ‘old soul’ from a young age (others would just say ‘mature’!!) - Interestingly this is something that I’m finding fairly common with others that are dating older men.
As a kid I enjoyed the mental stimulation and learning that resulted when placed in social and sporting situations with those more senior than I. I wouldn’t say I sought these out, but believe has made unconsciously see people older than I as worth connecting with intellectually.
Maturity and Security
I’m one of many who has been stuck in the middle of a messy divorce in their early/mid-teens. I’m aware that this had an impact on my values, particularly creating an aversion to conflict and a seeking of security - primarily in job, home and relationships.
Being further along in life, older men are usually more self actualised and secure in themselves, resulting in less drama and sweating the small stuff. (I emphasis usually here!!) Especially when navigating my sexuality this offered a more secure base by which to do so, and someone to guide me into the LGBTQ+ world with less fear of being discarded. To me I believed that being in an age diverse relationship offers greater degrees of security, trust and loyalty than with someone my own age. I would now say this isn’t as accurate a generalisation as I once thought (anyone can/can’t offer those things) but was something I believe had a big subconscious impact on me….I’d still probably maintain older men are better at not sweating the small stuff though. I can’t be dealing with the #Drama.
THE PHYSICAL SIDE
Whilst I like guys that are in reasonable shape (chest/arms = big tick, but no six packs please), deep down I believe the idea of being in slightly better shape than my partner appeals to me. This stems from insecurities over my physical appearance, and has been one of the driving forces behind my consistency with fitness since my late teens (you can read more on my motivations on my fitness website here).
In my experience, more mature men are more likely to have a ‘dad bod’ physique, and also find me physically attractive (though attraction comes in many forms, being ‘fit’ is just one that’s been normalised through media). Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a younger guy with a six pack can be super hot to some. However whilst some like bears, some like twinks, I seem to like a slightly older look. Part of this is likely just because - as I’m not sure all physical attractions can be easily explained (e.g. blondes vs brunettes), but part is likely due to the physical validation I’ve sometimes received from older men.
Thoughts For You
So there you have it, those are the main reasons why I believe I like an older man. If you also like older men maybe you have similar thoughts, maybe completely different. One thing I would say is that working through some of these thoughts (and I’m far from suggesting this exploration as a finished work) has helped me understand and accept myself more, and give me more confidence in being myself.
If you have a particular ‘type’ or penchant for certain things or people in your life (this can apply to pretty much anything), ask yourself why this might be, and see what you learn about yourself.
There are no right or wrong answers here; just differences.
Love, The Age Gap Guys x