Updated: Jan 15
Are you attracted to older men? It’s something many ask themselves …. as a result of a one off ‘encounter’, after having an attraction for a specific person, or maybe due to a lingering feeling that just won’t go away.
There’s no winners or losers in this game. No right or wrong. Just you, your life and your happiness.
I’m a firm believer that understanding yourself better can help you be happier. Understanding your sexuality is complicated, personal and can take some time. Below I’ve put together a list of questions with some thoughts to help you have a bit of a self assessment with regards to liking older men. It took me a long time to understand my attraction to older guys and learn to be OK with (and much longer to talk about proudly). Maybe this could help some of you along that path.
This shouldn’t be seen as something to put you in a box of I definitely do/don’t exclusively like older men (though some of you may feel that way), but merely to help reflect and understand yourself a little better. As a tip, don’t just avoid or skip through a question, and think why you might answer in the way you do. If one makes you feel uncomfortable that’s OK, but maybe try and think what it is that you’re uncomfortable about - often they’re areas that can can teach us the most about ourselves. Try writing down your thoughts - it’s surprisingly hard to lie to yourself when you write things down - and come back to any difficult points in a few days to see if your feelings have changed.
Mature Man Attraction Questions:
Are you comfortable being gay (if you’re a guy)?
Being gay can be a huge thing to reconcile in the first place. For many, due to the stigma and stereotypes, liking older people can be like having to come out twice. Just dealing with one of these can be a big deal personally, so if you’re trying to reconcile both things together it can make things confusing and even more difficult - talking from personal experience on that one!!
Who do you ‘notice’ in a crowded room when you’re with friends/at a party?
This is to see what attracts your attention in your periphery. What peaks your interest when your not looking - or you are! Is it a mixture of ages that you spot, or are your eyes lingering more on older men? How does it feel when you spot someone?
Are you fighting being attracted to older men?
No judgement here. Just try to ask yourself whether there’s a reason you’re not letting yourself be attracted to a particular person or older men in general. Is it a valid reason that’s more important than your happiness? Are you nervous of stigma or how people might perceive you?
Do you hold any stereotypes or stigma against older men
We all have unconscious and conscious bias, and we all make assumptions - it’s in our DNA!! If you hold some stereotypes, ask yourself what experiences might have led to them. Do you think those thoughts/generalisations are valid and fair? Are you able to let go of them?
Have you had a naughty dream about an older man or men?
We can have sex dreams about all sorts of people, but it’s more commonly about people we have some sort of attraction to or emotional connection with. If you’re having dreams about a certain person or type of people your subconscious may be trying to tell you something.
If you’ve found yourself drawn to an older man. Was there something specific you liked?
If so, have you liked other people that have shown/expressed the same quality? This is to help see if there’s a theme in the qualities you’ve seen, the type of person, or whether it was maybe just that one person.
If you have a few to drink (responsibly of course), do you find yourself more flirtatious or drawn to older men than you perhaps let yourself be when sober?
A couple of drinks can help many to lose their inhibitions and loosen their tongues a little (easy there ; ). We may let ourselves undertake our secret desires, or perhaps get a little closer to them than we otherwise might allow ourselves to.
Are there consistencies in the people you’re drawn to?
This can help understand if you’re more exclusively attracted to older guys, partial to a more mature dalliance, or simply really like Jeff from Accounts. All situations are perfectly fine, and none are better/worse than the other.
Is there a single person you’re finding yourself attracted to?
Linked to the previous question, it may be you just have an attraction to one person and they happen to be older. Attraction boiled down to its basics is around personality/emotional and physical aspects. You might be surprising yourself that there’s someone you really click with that you might not usually find attractive. Don’t limit yourself by convention and embrace the situation if it feels right.
When speaking to an older person you’re ‘hitting it off with’. How do you feel?
Be honest with yourself. Let yourself experience feelings regardless of what they are. It doesn’t mean you have to date someone or do anything. It can be helpful to try and process them though and not just ignore them if you're nervous.
Is there a particular thing you’re being drawn to?
The idea of power or maturity. Having someone with knowledge to impart and learn from. These are some of the common reasons people are emotionally drawn to mature men.
What sort of porn do you watch?
Do you find yourself often watching pornography with more mature men in? It can happen that people convince themselves that they like something for a false reason - oh I like the younger guy in the video. I used to tell myself when I was ‘straight’ that I liked porn with a guy and woman in more than lesbian porn because I could imagine myself there more….that was definitely not true. Are you convincing yourself of something that isn’t entirely true?
This isn’t a Buzzfeed quiz on ‘Do I love daddies?’, so I’m afraid there isn’t a magic scorecard here. If you’ve got this far though I’m expecting you’re having thoughts about your attraction to older guys. Great!! As I’ve mentioned, I believe self reflection is good for the soul. Hopefully these questions and accompanying thoughts helped a little. Wherever you net out at, remember people can change over time, and not to necessarily restrict yourself on that basis. Be you, love who you want to, and enjoy it!